I was drawn into a room with someone who I thought was being a friend. I was feeling lonely and left out more than ever during the 6th grade campout. She appeared to be really trying to help me. There were lots of questions that transitioned into what seemed like her helping me come up with solutions to my issue.
However I was mistaken. Come to find out that as I was baring my soul out to this person, as well as all of the females in the 6th grade class. They were hiding in different places and listening to the whole conversation. She was in on it.
When the conversation had come to an end, I was stunned to see the girls pop out of their hiding spots. They all said, “Terra, we like you,” as they giggled and ran out of the room.
I was not only mortified, I was hurt. Not only had people gone through my things, exposed the film in my camera, and put toothpaste in my pillow, but they also got to laugh at me at my expense.
This was the nail on the coffin when it came to trusting anyone outside of my immediate family.
It was also the deeper spiral to feeling more alone than ever! Being surrounded by people yet never quite feeling like I belong.
This day, among others that year, truly defined for me that among 60ish students, no one was interested in including me, people were laughing at me, and I was never good enough.
It carried on with me into my adult life as well.
Feeling like I was just a pulse in the room rather than a person worthy of honest relationships or respect. No matter how much good I did, or care and support I would provide, others were more reputable.
It is this feeling that creates a lot of stress for me in my life. The isolation in the crowd. Feeling unseen, unessential, and unlikeable.
It is easy to tell someone to get over these moments in their life. They were young girls, they had no idea what they were doing. However, it is much like the tube of toothpaste or wadded up paper activities you see being done in school these days. People can try and smooth it over, but the impact or damage is done.
What I had control over in all of this was how I handled it. To be honest, I did not handle it well. I tried burying it pretending it did not hurt me.
Since I chose to bury this pain, I unknowingly allowed that day to affect the way I viewed people and responding to things in life.
At 43, I am still healing from this pain I pushed down so deep. Not only mentally, but physically as well. This is what happens when you do not allow yourself to feel and process the things that happen to us.
If this is resonating with you, I wrote more about the effects of this day on friendships and relationships I had over the years and the journey to trusting others again. My story is featured in the book The Truth About Finding Joy In The Darkness. This story is just one of 19 in this book collaboration. Many of these stories echo various pain points that you may relate to as well. Stories that show us all that while we have dark and painful moments in our life, it is how we utilize them to overcome them that can bring us out into the light.
Hoping you can work through your dark times to find the joy you deserve,
As a teen, my relationship with my body was not so great. Despite being active and on my feet, I was never slim in my opinion.
As you may remember, this relationship with my body started in 6th grade (see that blog here). It is only natural that I wished my body looked like that of my peers. I hated my thigh size the most.
I was a size large when most of my age group was a size small or a medium. Adding spandex to the mix did not leave me feeling the best when it came to dressing for performances in school.
I allowed this frustration to lead me down the path of dieting and trying to “spot correct” my body. You know those thighmaster tools you used to see on info-mercials? Yea...I had one!
The positive in all of this frustration is that it did lead me to taking action. I tried and failed and kept at it.
While it did take me a lot of time to stumble, fall, and get back up, I kept redirecting. Including figuring out that I had PCOS was key in realizing that unlike most of my peers, this journey to feel good in my body was not going to be so simple.
I was going to have to change some of my perspectives as well as give myself some grace. In my youth, giving myself grace was not easy. Especially when I was comparing myself to others.
Having my PCOS diagnosis led me to a rabbit hole of figuring out what would work best for me. I was able to put myself on a fair playing ground. One that is much more complex than I first realized, but it helped being in a group of women that were more like myself.
As you go on a similar path, you will gather resources, people, and opportunities. Two mistakes many people make is we go for the “quick and easy but short term” result or we keep building up the pile of resources because we want it to be a perfect journey.
Imperfect, over time, action is necessary to utilize frustration and resentment to your benefit! Your journey will neither be perfect or quick and easy...real changes rarely are.
To create this action, we are naturally directed to utilize a tool called SMART. If you are not familiar it refers to Specific, Measurable, Accountable, Realistic, and Timely.
If I am real honest, the acronym makes me want to roll my eyes. For one, it does not always work. For two, it is so overused. For three, sometimes we do not always utilize it in a way that is most beneficial.
These loopholes and challenges can make you wonder why people set things up in this structure in the first place. Making lifestyle changes is not so ridge. So in this video, I run you through some tips and tricks to allow this format to be of service instead of frustration for you.
As you can see, making changes for a lifetime is more of a journey instead of a boxed acronym. Sometimes we forget these tools are guidelines instead of a strict method.
What we set to achieve does not have to be set in stone, but does require some inspiration, support, grace, and motivation. That is what gets us through the hard times. This is what gets us back up, opens the door to pivots and adjustments.
If reading this resonates with you and you would like to speed up your learning curve on thriving in your health, come join us in the Thriving with PCOS community. We have trainings in the guide section that will help you take action in determining which lifestyle adjustments will serve you best.
Though no matter what you decided about joining us, I wish you all a healing journey well traveled.
6th grade was a rough year for me. On top of many things, it was the first time I was called fat!
I had a friend talking about how she weighed 97 pounds. Just as luck would have it, so did I. Of course, I thought it was cool that we both weighed the same. I naturally chimed in saying “me too!”
I will never forget the gut punch that came over me when my “friend” told me that her 97 pounds is “all muscle, and your’s is all fat.” This was the beginning of my frustration with my body and resentment with why I could not look like everyone else.
By the way...I did not realize that I was “fat” back then, but this comment helped set the wheels in motion to my love/hate relationship with food and my body.
Naturally this was not the only change with my body at that time, I also joined the womanhood so to speak. Thus began the slowly evolving presence of my PCOS diagnosis.
I carried this frustration and resentment for my body with me for many years. (I still have moments of it to this day if we are being honest). However it was this frustration that led me to seeking help.
Being able to put a name to why I was heavier than most of my peers was helpful for a while. I did what I was told for many years. Take the pills, change to whole wheat, and try to lose some of that weight.
This game plan was still leading me down the frustration alley. I knew there was more to this PCOS than just take these pills and losing some weight. Though my old physician was on to something...making food changes, though I learned later that this specific change needed to be something more.
While you may believe we are going to dive into food and PCOS...I am here to talk more about resentment and frustration. They can be either a sword we continue to use on ourselves...trying to force ourselves into a box and make it work or we have an opportunity to listen to it and create a path towards feeling more satisfied in life.
You have got to sit with it...the frustration and resentment. I talk more about what that looks like here:
When we do those things in the video, you will begin to notice doors opening. The people, the resources, the opportunities, they begin to show up.
Does this sound crazy? Maybe...maybe not. What I do know is that it does work!
Instead of being mad that I cannot eat like my peers, I found a way to eat that both serves me and that I enjoy. Instead of wishing I could wear that outfit, I have found a style that makes me feel comfortable and is fun. Instead of being upset about my body figure, I have found ways to see it as an asset.
Now this is just the beginning. We have more to this journey...click on this next blog to keep see how this journey works out in our favor.
If you have decided to utilize your frustration and resentment with food to your greater good, the Thriving with PCOS community is a great resource for you, if you so choose. We are walking through the journey I took in discovering the specific changes that were necessary for me to begin to see my way past food and body frustration and resentment.
Wishing you peace in your frustration and resentment,